I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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