i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
