Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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