just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
