Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
