so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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