At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
