Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
