i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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