It's a beautiful day for a hangover
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
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