Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
