He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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