2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
