That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
