My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
