Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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