Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
