um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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