Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
