I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
