Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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