The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
