Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
