I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize