im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
