how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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