you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
