just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
