whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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