I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
