i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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