we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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