He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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