I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
