Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize