It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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