Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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