i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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