he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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