totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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