the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
