I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
