I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
