cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
