She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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