I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
