careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
