Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
