be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
