I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
