He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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