I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
