i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
