I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize