I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
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