you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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