If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
