He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
