we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This baby is an asshole
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
