We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
