I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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