I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
