why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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