i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
