Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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