Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
